in my head, like my second painting of the beginning of the more serious painting

it's good when your art makes people uneasy. when critics have a hard time with it.
especially when they hate it.
is that right?
so does that mean you're avant-garde or just mediocre/bad ?
if you were mediocre, they wouldn't care enough to hate it. is that right?
should i just keep playing into the fantasy in my head?
because that is what i like to do most.
maybe that's my real motivation for doing anything worthwhile.


and so you just keep going, and keep doing it, because you have to. and in posterity might one find out, and not necessarily you, if it meant anything or if it was just an occupation of your time to disappear and fall to waste.

my next project is to work on this gigantic canvas that i've had for awhile. will probably be working on it through the winter to the spring until my trip abroad, finally.and it feels so cozy and beautiful thinking about it; like it's exactly what i should be doing, and couldn't be spending my time doing anything better.
and it's a beautiful, beautiful sweet subject that i will probably love looking at.